Sexual Powertrip One Big Lie
by rabid kuma
Summary: It's hard to say when one realizes they've crossed the line from sanity to broken.  There never seems to be much congruity in the matter.  All I really knew was that Ritsu needed me more than I ever thought I'd need him.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you, I'm stuck in my ways to just run in the opposite way when things get comfortable. I'll keep on licking till your flavor is gone. It's getting more impossible to keep a straight face and be trusted with 'I love you.' Don't trust my words when I'm in bed with you. I'll bring the message, but the message gets lost. Yeah, you opened your legs and maybe I promised you...You didn't notice that my ankles were crossed. Can you show me how to treat someone? I don't recall ever learning how, because I keep fucking up, I keep fucking up..." [Blue October, Sexual Powertrip (One Big Lie) Bla Bla]

It's hard to say when one realizes they've crossed the line from sanity to broken. There never seems to be much congruity in the matter. All I really knew was that Ritsu needed me more than I ever thought I'd need him. Despite his training, and disregarding his cruel words, he really did see something in me that he couldn't quite place or replace, it seemed. It was hard to always stand there day after day and accept his beatings, the cruel, tart words.

But at some point, it became something I looked forward to. Not in the way one looks forward to ice cream after dinner. No... It was something darker that lurks beneath the soul. Perhaps it came from seeing and developing insight into how his mind worked. I honestly believe he was not a cruel individual. Ritsu was just confused.

He was not the monster Nagisa screamed he was. Sure, it was shocking to subject a "child" to physical abuse, but to me it had purpose. It gave _me_ purpose. How could I deny myself even something that insignificant in everyone else's eyes?

Today though...Today was different. Ritsu dressed the gashes on my back carefully. His touch was surprisingly gentle as I winced, stuffing down the crushing heat that flowed through me at the contact. As he pressed the final strip of medical tape down, he sighed so deeply that even I could tell this bothered him somehow.

"Sensei?"

"Hmm?"

I paused for a moment before finally saying, "Did I...Did I do something wrong today?"

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I felt like I'd done something far more daring than ask a simple question.

"Why would you think that?" Ritsu finally replied.

I hung my head slightly, unable to think of a response.

"Soubi-kun, are you going to answer me?"

My face flushed. I definitely didn't want to say anything now!

God, I thought, I should have just shut up...

Ritsu stood and circled around me. I stared at his shoes, refusing to look at him, even though I could feel him burning holes into me with his gaze. After a few minutes he grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. The flush rose harsher than before and I looked away.

Ritsu cleared his throat loudly. "Soubi, you did nothing wrong today. If I were disappointed in today's exercise I would not have dressed your wounds. In fact," he continued, "I feel as though I were too hard on you today. This is my apology to you."

I resisted his grip on my jawline, twisting to the right. I couldn't decipher the feeling boiling in my blood.

Finally Ritsu loosened his grip, choosing to slide his hand down my neck. I flinched almost instinctively, but the reaction was cut short once I realized there was no threat. He was only touching me. There was no threat in his actions thus far. I eventually braved a glance at him. It was strange to see him like this. He didn't look angry, at least there was that.

In fact, the more I stared I realized he had a certain thoughtfulness to his eyes. I felt my shoulders relax and I turned into the contact. Ritsu withdrew his hand slowly, fingertips gracing my jawline.

"I think you need to go," He whispered, turning away. I sat there, dumbfounded for a brief moment.

"E-Excuse me?"

"You're dismissed, that is all for today." He sounded strained.

Did he feel bad about this?

But why would he?

My legs felt like jelly beneath me as I gathered my shirt and left the room. I was confused, in pain and left to wonder what the hell had just happened. What was with him today?

I ignored the stares and feigned looks of pity as I made my way down halls and through common areas. I just wanted to go home right now. Ritsu wouldn't be home for quite some time, and I could bet he would be later than usual after what happened only minutes ago.

It was well past midnight when I heard the key slip into the deadbolt. I was curled up on the sofa, favorite pillow and warmest comforter with me. The TV was on a history channel I didn't care too much for, but I did enjoy learning strategies and expanding my vocabulary. I braced myself for whatever verbal encounter could happen, but Ritsu only entered the domicile and headed straight for his bedroom.

It came off like he'd rehearsed it. I felt offended, but wasn't sure where that feeling came from. After ten minutes or so passed, I could still hear him shuffling around. I quietly padded down the hall, the floor cold against my bare feet. His door was slightly ajar and I peered in. He was standing in front of the stand-up mirror in the corner. It was a curious thing to witness.

I retraced my steps and made sure to let the floor creak beneath me as I took the same path to the exact same spot. It was amazing how within those few moments, Ritsu was already opening the door.

I froze, feeling as though he knew and could see right through me. "Er...I-I was..."

He looked tired. Scratch that. Exhausted.

"You were...?"

I stood there staring at him. Why was I suddenly clamming up? I was never a nervous child, maybe a tearful one for a few years, but never so nervous that I couldn't speak or think of what to say.

"You know, I almost preferred you a screaming child than the silence you've bestowed upon me lately, Soubi-kun. I don't have time to play these games. Do you need something or not?" He demanded.

This time the words came out before my internal filter took control. "You."

He frowned at me. "Care to be specific?"

My heart thudded hard. I was positive he could hear it slamming around in my chest. "I don't know how."

"Fine," He sighed. "You're getting too old for this, Soubi." He turned on his heels, leaving the door open. I watched him walk to the bed and begin pulling back the covers.

What the hell...? I watched in confusion. Did he think I wanted to sleep with him like I was still a child haunted by nightmares of my parents' death?

I didn't give him the chance to look back and see me with my jaw to the floor, livid with perturbation . I waited to crawl under the covers with him, hesitancy betraying every action. Ritsu didn't seem to notice my unease. I couldn't have been hiding it very well, that was for sure!

The bed suddenly didn't seem big enough for the two of us. I remembered it feeling like a life raft as a child. Now that I was almost as tall as Ritsu, it didn't seem as though it could contain us both. He flipped off the lights and settled in. I stared at his vague outline, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

After what seemed to be forever of just staring at the man, he reached out, startling me slightly. He ran his fingers through my hair. Cupping the back of my head, he gently kissed my forehead. "Soubi, I'm sorry for today. I was angry with someone and took it out on you because you were the only one that could take it."

Well, I thought, This is becoming interesting...

"Furthermore, I'm even more sorry about how deep those are. I was irresponsible with you today. You didn't deserve that."

I jerked away from him without realizing it. I don't know exactly which part of what he said made me recoil, but something forced it. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was the fact I didn't feel like I really deserved what some would call mercy.

"Soubi...," Ritsu sounded heartbroken.

Again, I was silent. It was beginning to irritate even myself that I was at such a loss! A Sentouki should never be at a loss for words, not ever!

"I'm tired and my back hurts," I mumbled feebly.

Ritsu shook his head, sighing. "I've got some pain medication if you want it. You don't have to go to the academy tomorrow, it's unlikely you'll be conscious until midmorning anyway."

He slipped off the bed and over to the bureau. After rummaging around for a few moments he came back with a needle and an upside down bottle on top of it. He squinted, holding it up to the moonlight seeping through the blinds. He set the glass bottle on the nightstand next to my side. "Arm."

I held it out.

Ritsu grabbed it gently , rolling his thumb across the crook of my elbow. After a moment or two he inserted the needle and there was an uncomfortable burning. "I'm not sure if that hit your bloodstream or just the muscle. I think I felt your skin raise up, but I'm not positive..."

Within seconds my everything felt heavy. I wanted to tell him this was strange, but the effort didn't seem worth it. He held my wrist for probably thirty seconds. I imagined he was was checking my pulse, what other reason could he possibly have for it?

"Sen-Sensei..." I mumbled.

"I think I missed the vein. Probably for the better. You'd be out cold by now."

I moaned a little, feeling like I was falling back into myself. It was a strange and frightening experience that made no sense. My thoughts wandered to how it would feel to fall into one's self. The thought made me smile.

"Don't get used to this, Soubi, I won't give it to you again. Enjoy it while it lasts."

Ritsu climbed back into the bed and I felt him pull me closer, not exactly what I expected either. I was completely relaxed and didn't care too much what happened outside of my own thoughts. He looped an arm around me and laced his fingers over top of mine. It was probably the first true paternal moment he'd ever shown physically towards me.

Did he actually care about me? I hated when he said he didn't.

I wasn't sure how long had passed, but I knew he was still wide awake, just from the way he would sigh and tighten his grip on my hand whenever a random wave of pain would break through the drug induced haze. I could feel it start to wear off and it was becoming unpleasant.

Thoughts started to wander to the hurtful things he'd said over the years to me. I wasn't sure what in particular sparked the train of thought, but by the end of it I had tears streaming down my face silently. Pretty soon my nose would start to run and I would inevitably have to snuff it.

I finally decided to clear my throat, but it sounded as choked as I felt. Ritsu began tracing small circles with his thumb over the back of my hand. "Is it really only because you see my mother's face in mine that I'm even still alive?"

Silence and stillness overtook the room.

"I see much of her in you," He replied, "but that is not why you are here now."

"Am I like her at all?"

"You're graceful, Soubi. You only lack in the confidence to see it."

I started shaking from holding back the floodgate threatening to break. I was too drugged up to stop myself. I felt pathetic. "I shouldn't have bothered you, Sensei, I'm sorry."

"Nonsense, Soubi. You're in pain right now, it's okay to cry about this, but only this one time," He started to get that tone in his voice. The one he acquired during sessions. "Learn from this, that people who care the most will always hurt you the worst. During a battle you cannot let this get to you. Anyone who knows you intimately or not can hurt you physically, but someone you trust will always be able to leave scars."

I let the tears stream without protest. It was interesting to me that he gave me permission to cry just this one time, but it seemed to hurt me all the same. It hurt because it made me feel weak. I wanted so badly to be his Sentouki, to be something other than a burden from a tragic accident. It was an intense feeling.

"You're tense...," Ritsu ran his fingers through my hair once more. "I said it was okay to cry, Soubi. Let it out."

I snuffed my nose loudly. "I don't think that's why I'm upset."

"Oh?"

I buried my face in the pillow as far as I could manage without being in pain. "I just want to...I just want to be the best."

"You're almost there, kiddo..."

Weeks went by without incident. Ritsu handed off reading material to me to keep the healing scabs and stitches from tearing open. Every evening he slathered my back in triple anti-biotic ointment and another type of cream, and would put fresh dressing over it. He continued to let me stay in bed with him. Tonight I had crawled into the bed long before he would. I was sleeping so horribly and in so much pain that if I didn't try to get sleep before him, my shaking and tears would wake him eventually.

I was snapped awake suddenly when I felt him pull me close. He was on his side, pulling me close. Once I realized how close he'd pulled me I felt awkward. Did I let him know I was awake? Maybe he already knew I was awake, and didn't care.

He brushed my hair off my neck and it took all I had to not flinch from the most unfamiliar contact of lips against my skin. It wasn't that I was immediately repulsed, but it was a foreign moment indeed.

He started whispering, but I couldn't decipher what he was saying. My back ached and felt hot all the sudden. My stitches began to feel irritated and coarse. Finally I was unable to stand the itching and flexed my shoulders back to attempt to ease the discomfort. I was surprised that Ritsu didn't move away from me. Instead, he kissed the back of my neck again, but only once more.

"I'm sorry to have woken you," He said audibly.

"It's starting to become irritated, I want to scratch it...," I groaned.

"I didn't get a chance to put the ointments on tonight. You crashed early and so hard I wasn't sure if you were all right."

"Can you please get them?"

Without speaking, Ritsu did as I asked He even sat me up and helped with my shirt since I still couldn't put my arms above my head without pulling on the wounds. His hands were warm tonight. He pressed around gently with his hands, massaging and working it into my skin. It almost felt like he was digging in some places, but I couldn't blame him.

"Sensei?"

"Yes, Soubi-kun?"

Silence was becoming fairly normal from me lately. I would begin one thought and by the time I wanted to verbalize the rest of it, I found myself saying nothing at all. Ritsu's usual expression of annoyance had a hint of confusion in it lately. If he wasn't sure what to make of this, then what was I supposed to think?

Ritsu sighed, "If you can't spit it out, then don't start the sentence. It's getting on my nerves. I don't mind listening if you've got something to actually say." His hands worked around the stitches, pressing into the muscle just hard enough it started to ease the pain. After a few minutes in silence, Ritsu started humming softly. His hands fell into rhythm with it almost immediately and I found myself relaxing under his touch. In the last 7, almost 8, years I couldn't remember a time where Ritsu wasn't distant, even cruel at times. I also couldn't remember a time when he'd touched me for any other reason other than to correct my behavior.

I instinctively tensed up again, regretting it.

"Should I stop?"

I froze, heart pounding again as well. All I could scream at myself was, Why!

"For fuck's sake, Soubi. What the hell is wrong with you lately?" Ritsu forced me to turn around. I couldn't look him in the face, even as he forced me to, as if I were a petulant child once more before him. "Nothing to say for yourself? I don't have to do this for you. You can figure out how to apply it yourself for all I care. I don't appreciate my generosity being abused, especially by you!"

Finally, I mustered the courage to say it.

"I'm confused, Sensei."

Ritsu frowned at me, as usual. "Confused? How so?"

"I-I'm...," I faltered, not wanting to ask it. He had to have felt my racing pulse, his fingertips were only millimeters away from my carotid artery, and his expression softened.

"Am I confusing you, Soubi?"

I nodded slightly.

"What about me is confusing?"

I gulped.

"Soubi, you are allowed to answer that without repercussions. This is a learning exercise for the both of us, how's that sound?"

"Everything is confusing. This especially...The training..."

"Why is it confusing to you?"

Dammit, why can't you settle for my vague answer! I shouted to myself. "Because," I said aloud, "I don't understand it."

Ritsu smiled a little. "You're training to be an exceptional Sentouki, what else is there to understand?"

This time I looked him directly in the eyes. "Am I going to be _your_ Sentouki, Sensei?"

I watched as his smile shattered. His eyes went dark for a moment, but it appeared out of guilt, not anger.

"That's a possibility, Soubi. It's not a decision I'm allowed to make, and that is probably for the better," He sighed. "Sometimes it's good to not be able to make a decision such as that yourself. Do you understand?"

I didn't, but I nodded anyway. "Do you...Do you want me to be yours?"

It was finally my turn to see Ritsu blush and become speechless. He didn't appear as though he was prepared to answer that either way it was looked at. What was he going to say? That he wasted years training someone to his standard only to pass them off?

"I'm trained the way you want, aren't I? Why else would you be training me if you didn't want me?"

Ritsu cleared his throat a little. "Soubi, a child cannot be my fighter. I'm twice your age, and the experience I have is beyond even some of these instructors."

Child. I dislike how it seemed to boil down to that.

"So you don't want me, yet you train me every single day for 7 hours? Nobody else is allowed to instruct me, but you don't want me...I don't understand that Sensei."

He rubbed his forehead, thoroughly irritated. "I told you, it's not up to me. Whether I want you or not, I have no say."

"You still can't say either way if you want me or not. All I hear are excuses," I whispered bitterly.

"It's simply not that simple, Soubi. This is a complicated issue, and not just for me. This obviously complicates your life no matter how hard I try for it not to."

I scoffed, but bit my lip and turned away. "Then stop complicating it with things like kisses when you think I'm asleep. Don't disfigure me because you're having a bad day. And frankly, don't lead me on. Leave it at the cut and dry, student-teacher bullshit and stop making it personal with me."

Silence rang throughout the room.

I didn't dare turn to look at him now. I could only imagine what he was thinking right now.

Ritsu's fingertips ran down my bare arms. I resisted violently tearing my arm away from him, choosing instead to turn further to the right out of protest. "Soubi, you will look at me. For the rest of this conversation, you will not act like a child. If you don't want to be treated like one, then stop acting like one."

I felt him remove his hands and the bed shifted. I turned back to see him standing up. "I can't think when I'm looking at you. I can't do anything right these days. I'm constantly torn between right and wrong, and I don't even know which offense I'm creating out of it."

Ritsu pushed his glasses up and smirked. "Love is a fickle creature, Soubi. If it's honesty you want, that's fine. Like I said, you'll look at me for the rest of this _**adult**_ conversation or I'm walking away from it." He adjusted himself back on the edge of the bed finally. "Do not always confuse your training with this home life you've had. I've raised you, yes, but even I have come to realize I've raised you the way I wanted you. You, Soubi, are the closest to perfection there is in this academy. You may not be perfect in every sense, but you have the ability to adjust and become what's needed to fit the situation. You submit, you take it for all it's worth and never have you asked me to stop. When I say it's not my decision or that it doesn't matter if I want you or not, it's because that is the truth. If I allow them to see how badly I want this for us, it most likely won't happen. Not to mention I'm far to old to be battling these days. I've lost the one person I loved, and then you come into this mess of my life, and I had no idea what the hell I was doing with you...

"Furthermore, I feel incredible guilt for what I did to you. Don't make me regret showing you this kindness. I've only ever bestowed it on one other. I'm sorry if I've disturbed you in any way, or made you uncomfortable, but as it is, I am your Sacrifice at this moment. Just because you do not bare my name does not mean you are free of me."

**aaaaaaand that's all for now. No, I'm not dead, no my other stories are not on hiatus...I've moved like, a billion times since I last updated and when I packed everything up, the external hard drive my collection of writings were on was misplaced in a box it had no business being in. It's currently undergoing a file recovery _ So this will have to tide y'all over for a bit. I don't plan to go too far with this, maybe 3 chapters. I just thought it would be interesting to do a soubi/Ritsu fic that portrays it differently :D**


	2. Chapter 2

At least I was speechless for a better reason.

Ritsu gave me a moment to let it sink in, as it obviously caught me off guard.

"...You want this for us?"

Ritsu bowed his head ever so slightly. "The last few months have been awkward to accept, but yes. I've made you the way I need you. Don't take it for granted. I still own you indefinitely. Once I'm allowed to give you my name, there will be no way to reverse it. A blank is beyond useful, and I'm hoping they don't strip this from me due to circumstances. There are promising pairs out there, and if something were to happen, inevitably they want blanks that are well versed and trained by the best. Don't take this lightly, Soubi-kun, it could be years from now before you receive any name, let alone mine."

"Awkward? What's been awkward other than lately?"

"You're a child, you couldn't possibly understand what I mean on that level. Your grasp of these situations is limited."

I frowned. "Retaining my ears does not make me a child, Sensei. It makes me a virgin. There is a difference."

"Simply a matter of opinion, is what it is," He retorted. "And as of right now, my opinion is law. You're still a child, end of story."

Now I felt offended. I wanted to be angry, but years of being submissive took the reigns. "Then you can't be disappointed with the results."

"I'm glad you think so. Please take note, Soubi, that after this conversation, we will not talk of this anymore. I'm allowing you to speak freely because you've been unbearable. I expect you to maintain your place in the world no matter what happens."

His stern tone and the serious nature of the conversation made me take a step back from my thoughts of wanting to scream and yell and become outraged. He was right, after all. I was his submissive, and I would permanently become someone's submissive, be it Ritsu or someone else.

"I want YOU though." I whispered, clutching the sheet. "I don't want anyone else."

Ritsu reached out, touching my face again. It bothered me that I perceived it as him not really seeing me, but a woman he loved. "We all want things we cannot have."

"Then take what you want."

I'd spoken with such conviction that it startled Ritsu. His eyes widened, fingertips trailing down my neck. He placed his palm over my heart and what happened next was a whirlwind.

Lips crashed, his breath hot against me. I gasped only out of pain as he grabbed me, forcing me closer yet. I didn't resist as he bit and scratched at what little unmarred flesh remained. It wasn't so much that he intended to do damage, but I suppose he wanted to scare me. Much to my own dismay, I was the exact opposite of afraid of him. All the turmoil and confusion suddenly clicked. All the things I couldn't place suddenly found meaning.

I did want Ritsu. I needed him to want me as well. I didn't care at what cost, either. Calling me a child only exacerbated the desire. I was not a child. A child didn't comprehend these actions, these words...

When his lips returned to mine I found courage to kiss him back. I felt inexperienced, but he didn't falter at the reciprocation. His hands trailed up my marred shoulder blades and suddenly everything came to a standstill when I whimpered. "Soubi, we can't do this right now." He pressed his forehead to mine, eyes squeezed tight. His fingers curled into my hair with crushing intensity, and I felt the heat rise between us.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, feeling very foolish.

"Your wounds need to heal. Ripping them open would not benefit either of us, nor would it be worth the mess afterwards." Even though he said that, his body betrayed him. His narrow hips were crushing against me. There was no secret between us about that.

"I wouldn't mind... Pain does not bother me, it's just catching me off guard," I tried to persuade him, but I didn't sound very convincing.

Ritsu laughed, kissing me gently. "Overcome it and we shall see. For now, we need to sleep." He lifted himself off of me, but I grabbed his arms. I wanted him to stay, or to at least be with him right now. "I can't, Soubi-kun."

"Just...stay?"

He hesitated, but complied much to my surprise. I was in excruciating pain from the rapid movements, but I let him curl around me, pushing against me as hard as he could. A hand trailed to my waistband, hesitating slightly.

"Sensei..."

"Tomorrow."

"Take what you want," I whispered, aching for relief. He roughly complied, making me moan. He was not gentle as he sunk teeth into my neck several times. I seized up for a what seemed like forever before he was finished with me.

Weeks went by without incident. My stitches had been removed only days before, and the scars were horrific. They were still red and pink, and probably would be for months or even years before fully scarring over. Ritsu seemed to admire his handiwork from time to time during sessions, dragging his fingers across my skin as I stood braced against a wall. He no longer aimed to draw blood, but would cause as much pain as possible.

Honing my senses, he claimed, was important. Perception was everything. Little did he know I perceived far more than I was going to let on at this point. I knew better than to try and act coy with him. It wouldn't do any good to act needy, either. So instead, I complied and was a good, little submissive fighter. I kept my mouth shut, hoping for the chance to prove to him that his definition of "child" was far-fetched. Battling was the only thing I could do to prove to him I was worthy of the respect and the training. I'd defeated numerous teams, but it wasn't due to spectacular performances. Mostly taking advantage of spells that weren't thought out and could be easily manipulated into my own attack reflected back.

What pained me most was that he would not pair with me during these exercises. I wanted to prove myself to him in every sense. He just wouldn't allow it right now...

I understood why though, I was indeed the product of his training. I wouldn't want to make a fool out of myself and lose just because it was someone I cared about.

Funny how things escalated from paternal figure to this. I never really thought of him as family, mostly due to the fact he never once treated me like it. In fact, he'd made it painfully clear from day one that he didn't want the responsibility. At least now he was trying to figure out how to keep me, which meant more to me than it ever could have before.

I trailed down the halls aimlessly, waiting for Ritsu to return from where ever he'd gone. I was tired of sitting in front of the canvas and needed a break. The chatter from the random students as I passed through the commons was almost irritating. A few of them glanced, some even glared. I'm sure word had gotten around about my recent victories without a sacrifice, but it only made my ego swell. I felt above them, for many reasons. They wanted title and status and fame. All I wanted was Ritsu's adoration, which in my opinion was worth far more than their feeble, superficial desires.

Once I reached Ritsu's room, I stopped just short of the door. I could hear a woman inside, bitching him out. The words were too muffled to hear exactly what was being said, but I caught the phrase "you're a disgusting pervert!" more than once and took a few steps back.

Should I take another walk? I don't want to know who is in there... I hesitated too long, though. The door burst open. Of course it was Nagisa stomping out. When she turned slightly, she looked horrified that I was standing there. Then she took off at a fast-paced walk, head down.

Ritsu stepped out into the hallway, cigarette hanging off his lips. "Ah, Soubi-kun...Didn't know where you had been."

I shrugged slightly, not exactly uncomfortable with the situation I'd stumbled onto, but I was certainly curious. "She seems upset."

"Women are emotional creatures that will never be understood. Nagisa is crazy, don't let it bother you." Ritsu sighed, tapping the ash off the cigarette. "Well, come inside, you've got things that need to be finished."

Later that night, as Ritsu applied more ointment to my back, I realized how unusually methodical he was being this evening. It wasn't unlike Ritsu to be obtuse, but something seemed awkward about it. My skin tingled as he swept my hair over my left shoulder. My heart started racing. Every time he touched me, I couldn't help it. It only solidified my personal belief that I was not in love with him, but purely loved him. His hands hesitated slightly, but trailed down my sides with what seemed to be definite intention. The world seemed to slow down, time might have even stopped, as I felt his lips, tongue and teeth grace my shoulder blades. My loins swelled, and I couldn't hardly catch my breath.

Just do it already! I wanted to scream. If fact, I wanted him to make me scream. I didn't care how, or why. I wanted it.

Ritsu pulled me into his lap, hands finding their prize. I could feel his breath, his hesitancy, his desire. My back was pressed firmly against his chest as he wrapped his arm around my midriff to keep me in place as I trembled. I stiffened, my back arching as he gripped me tighter yet. "Ri-Ritsu...," I groaned, "Wait..."

He steadied himself against me, panting as hard as I was. He caught me off guard when he pushed me out of his lap and flat on my back. Once the world steadied itself and time returned to normal for a brief moment, I saw confusion in his eyes. I couldn't just lay there, looking up at him forever. It made me nervous. So, I leaned up and kissed him chastely. "I said to wait, I didn't ask you to stop..."

He laughed into the kiss, biting my lip. Momentarily he broke the kiss, pulling his shirt over his head. He was staring intently at me, as if observing my reactions. I blushed, of course, but a shy smile crossed my lips as I drug my hands down his chest. He smirked, grabbing both my wrists and pinning them above my head. He was slow to be rough with me, but I didn't care. He was finally mine, and I was finally his.

Hours seemed to pass before he was finished with me. He was trembling as he rolled over, groaning. I couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face as I stared at him. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day.

"WHAT?" The shrieking behind me caught me off guard. I turned just enough to see Nagisa grabbing for me. "Your ears! What happened to your... who... Who is responsible for this!"

I stood there, silent. It wasn't any of her damn business in the first place. She let go of my arm and backed up slowly, mouth forming words that weren't audible. I cocked an eyebrow at her, as if daring her to continue. She continued to back away in horror.

I smirked as I turned and left her there. Ritsu was waiting patiently for me as usual. I didn't need to elaborate on what made me later than usual, he just pointed to the canvas.

"I heard her shrieking all the way in here, Soubi-kun." He finally sighed.

"I'm not concerned, Sensei."

"Good," Ritsu tapped his cigarette into the ashtray by the open window and exhaled slowly. "I just want you to know, I didn't do this because of the looks you acquired from your mother. I did this because you are mine. You will always be mine, Soubi, no matter what name graces that skin of yours. You are the best, don't ever underestimate yourself."

Part of me wanted to say it was a matter of opinion, but I kept silent as I worked with the paints. Hours would go by before I finally stretched at stood up. I looked around, realizing I didn't know where Ritsu was. I grinned when I saw him fast asleep, feet propped up on the desk, head leaning back. I quietly made my way over to him, observing every feature. I wanted to touch him, but I refused to be responsible for waking him. Instead I leaned over him, kissing him lightly. I was startled when his hands came up, holding my face tightly. He deepened the kiss, and I felt myself blush again.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you-" I started to apologize, but he swung his feet off the desk and pulled me into his lap, handling me aggressively.

"You don't need to lie," He whispered, "Do not be ashamed of this."

Why would I feel ashamed? If anything, I wanted nothing more from him than what this was right now, other than to have his name. How could I possibly be ashamed...

His fingers played with the zipper on my jeans and I stopped him momentarily, staring at the door to the room. "Wh-what if someone...walks in?"

"Then so be it," He growled, hoisting me on the desk. His hand wrapped around my throat, pushing me down. Panic overtook my senses, but I was sure it was due to the unfamiliarity of this type of roughness. I wasn't suffocating by any means.

Ritsu leaned over me, his cropped hair falling around my face as he bit at my earlobes and neck with what was comparably more gentle intention. I reached out, running my hands up the backs of his arms to his shoulders, and then down his back. I could feel every muscle, every movement he was making. I was not afraid of what he wanted to do to me.

I had trouble sleeping that night. Strange dreams of strange buildings... I couldn't figure out where I was, and the dimensions were screwing with me. I'd go up one staircase, only to find a doorway with a staircase 6ft down the wall and an intense change in gravity. I kept waking myself up it became so intense. I must have made noise loud enough to wake Ritsu, because when I woke myself this time, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me curiously.

"I-I'm sorry-"

"You were whimpering," He interrupted. "It's a noise you haven't made since you were little. It surprised me that even after all these years it can still wake me out of my sleep."

"My apologies, Sensei...," I whispered. "I tried to wake myself up to make it stop, but the dream would continue..."

"Do you need water or anything while I'm up?"

"No, sir..."

"Good."

He surprised me by crawling under the covers with me. It almost made me uncomfortable, mostly because of the unfamiliarity of his actions. His arms wrapped around me, lips pressing against my neck and jawline. He hooked his leg underneath my left knee and around my right leg. I could feel him pressing against me, and I sighed. I was in pain from the last two encounters, and was not sure I could handle a third this soon. It didn't seem that was what he wanted right now, but Ritsu's mind was not one I aimed to understand at this point. After while, he must have fallen asleep. I couldn't get my eyes to close no matter what I tried. I know I laid there for over an hour before drifting off, only to have him shake me awake once more.

This time, my hand was tangled in his hair. He looked the exact opposite of pleased with me. "Soubi, what is going on with you tonight? You're not like this when you sleep."

I couldn't answer him this time, I didn't remember what I was dreaming about. So, I stared at him blankly. He grabbed my right wrist, forcing me to roll to completely face him. Immediately I was hard. I wanted to crawl away in shame but he only smiled sadistically, pulling my hips close to his, rolling on top of me. I wanted to tell him no, but every other part of me screamed in pleasure. The anticipation of this was killing me. I wanted him to be done with it.

But he never once hurt me. He was almost sweet about it this time, sensual even. I touched him where ever I could, nails dragging lightly across his back. Whenever I got too rough with my response to his actions he'd pull away slightly, whispering, "Gentle..."

He finally made me come, but it wasn't without the usual lengthy torture. He always got off after me. It was almost irritating, but it excited me more after the fact. "Now, will you sleep soundly?"

He seemed to ask as if I would know the right answer.

I laughed a little, "I suppose...?"

"Good..." He groaned, spooning me against him. He was full of warmth as he held me tightly. Within minutes I felt myself slip away into sleep once more.


	3. Chapter 3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>"...Bend over...I seem to love you now. Oh, we've been over this far too long to argue about these little things I've done. So get over it and I'm done, here and now. Learn to shoulder it. With this cold shoulder, I seem to taunt you. Although we've been over this far too long to argue about these little things I've done here and now, but you'll get over it. When I've won, you will know to get over it...<p>

And you, you hate me. I hate me, too. Hate gives me hate in you. Cause you hate me, so I do, too. Hate is me, hate is you. If you hate me, I hate me, too. I'll hate you so long...Come on and let me be, I do not want to be a bother, but you will not tell me please. I cannot bear this any longer. When you want me, I have  
>needs and I don't want to be a bother, but I wear them on my sleeve and I don't want them any longer..." [HURT - The Consummation]<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ah..."

Soubi tried his best to contain himself, to be as quiet as possible.

I knew how to make him scream, but in my office it wouldn't be very smart to draw attention. It was the only time I could elicit a sound from his lips. The boy could take a beating without hardly flinching, but pleasure was a foreign subject to him and I enjoyed taunting him with it. I tightened my grip around his throat just enough that a smile flashed briefly across his lips until I brought his attention back to reality with violent thrusts.

He shuddered violently, his body arching perfectly, chest heaving... A sight to behold every time.

Trembling, he ran a hand through his hair. His eyes were still closed, which made me smile on the inside. It wasn't often that I could wear him out that fast. Usually it was an hour or two of relentless torture.

I leaned over him, grabbing a handful of those long locks and brought him towards me. He gasped, but didn't resist. I wasn't about to let him get off without getting what I wanted out of it.

I watched him dress as I smoked a cigarette by the window. Scars were scattered all over his body. Some were ugly, but most had faded over time. I was confident in the training I put him through. Nagisa and her delusions about concepts such as Zero were irritating. She didn't understand that quality over quantity was what really mattered. She seemed even more driven to become annoying once Soubi's ears were taken. She had to have known it was me, it couldn't have been more obvious.

But the reasons were far more complicated than what she, and possibly others, assumed. They always had been, before it happened. Fact of the matter was that I tried my best to scare Soubi, to become unattractive and to make him unattractive. I was so rough with him the first time, and continued to be unpredictable with it. Two years goes by fast, though. And things can change so quickly.

I didn't want to tell him. The news had been a shock to me when I found out, and the last thing I wanted to do was tell him.

But I had to. It wasn't fair to Soubi, and I somehow felt like I knew this scenario would play out against what I wanted. Aoyagi Seimei stepped in, intervened, and left no room for opinion, discussion or compromise. It had been finalized that Soubi would become the fighter unit for BELOVED, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I'd been so distracted by my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed Soubi grabbing my cigarette from me and taking a long drag off it. "It's unlike you to be distracted..."

"It's been an off week," I muttered, crossing my arms. I resisted the sigh that was on the verge of exiting my lungs. Soubi was far too perceptive and wouldn't let it slide.

He handed me back the cigarette and I hesitated in taking it. I didn't want to tell him. This was not what I expected to happen... I was not supposed to become attached. I was not supposed to love him. He was not supposed to love me.

But I did this to us. I knew from the moment it happened that this would blow up in my face. Petty disputes and grudges, as well as too many skeletons in the closet.

Finally, I sighed.

Seimei would be here soon. I couldn't hold this off any longer.

"Soubi, you need to sit down for a moment."

He frowned, but complied silently. I paced around him for a moment, hoping the thudding in my chest would stop. I did not want this...

"You will wait here."

"Okay?"

"This is the day you will be given your sacrifice," I managed to say, turning away from him. "A boy named Aoyagi Seimei."

Soubi's eyes widened. Obviously not the words he expected to fall from my lips. "W-wait...But Sensei..."

"His true name is BELOVED. You are to become BELOVED's fighter. Since you are a blank fighter, once the name is written, it cannot be cast off like a cicada shell," I continued. "Since it is impossible to transfer the ownership of a fighter after the name has been written, your sacrifice was very carefully decided for you... It was decided because he is the eldest son of the Aoyagi family, and part of the Seven Moons... And because Seimei wanted you."

Soubi stood so suddenly the chair toppled over.

I dared to stare him down. His eyes held so much betrayal. "He is very influential, which will be good for you."

Soubi stood there, head bowed. "He will become my master...won't he."

"Soubi, please don't speak that way. I can't take it." I turned away.

"But Sensei! You're giving me away! You want your name to be written-that's **_your_** decision!"

"Either way, it's still going to happen." I replied tartly.

"I see," He stood there defiantly for a moment longer before sitting the chair back up. "I'll wait here like you've asked. Please let me be alone."

"I chose the best possible partner for you because you are my best student."

I could tell he was choked up and doing his best to stomp it down. "This is true, so I-I always thought that some day _you_ would be the one to write their name..."

"I can't. You know I have a fighter of my own-"

"Even though that fighter is dead?" His voice was getting louder.

"That has nothing to do with the situation!" I stared at the door, unable to look at him. "However, Aoyagi just might have a second fighter. If this is the case then the decision-"

"Sensei, enough! I understand," He interrupted. "If he has me, then he will become a very unique sacrifice. I know that being 'blank' is just like being a spare for a dead fighter. I know that it's unheard of for there to be two fighters for one sacrifice, but it doesn't matter to me what the name is. I will be loyal to whatever name is written."

I could hear his training coming through. He was more stern than before. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. "You know that because you are very intelligent, but you know, being blank isn't always such a bad thing. There are so many possibilities."

"Who cares! You're...You're afraid to write your name, aren't you?" Soubi yelled.

"I'm not afraid, Soubi..."

The door opened suddenly, and Seimei peered in, feigning a courteous expression. "Did you wait long? I'm Aoyagi Seimei," He closed the door loudly. "Good afternoon"

I turned away from him slightly, hoping to hide the snide expression. "Were you eavesdropping?"

Seimei smiled again. "Well, I sort of overheard. I got nervous while waiting outside the door."

"Aren't you supposed to lie about things like that?" I muttered.

Seimei's eyes went from mine to Soubi, his fake smile still plastered on and he held out his hand. "Come here, Soubi. It looks like I'll be needing you."

Soubi's eyes never broke contact with mine as he stood and walked to Seimei's outstretched hand. Seimei hooked his arm in Soubi's and they left the room. The door closed with a loud slam as I fell against it, eyes watering and my throat tightening.

What had I done...

I didn't want this. I never wanted to give him up.

I never wanted this to happen. 

A few weeks passed by idly. I felt reckless lately, finding comfort at the bottom of empty whiskey bottles. Soubi had left the house, currently rooming at the dorms in the school. It was probably for the better, though. It was better to sever what we had than to torture ourselves with this situation much longer.

I was attempting to work with the various butterflies on my desk when the door opened quietly. I didn't look up, knowing it was Nagisa. She had a knack for irritating me when I was busy. It was like she waited outside the door, hoping for the opportunity...

"Nagisa, I'm busy if you don't mi-"

"It's me."

I sat up straight. Almost in disbelief. Soubi shifted on the balls of his feet nervously. "Is there something you needed?" I felt inconceivably ridiculous asking such a feeble question, but I was confused as to why he was here before me.

His posture seemed different. Even as he stood there, arms to his side, I could tell.

Seimei had already broken him. There was nothing left of the confident fighter I had created. This was an abused shelter dog sitting before me, not the show champion I had bred and trained.

He cleared his throat, head lowering as he said in a hushed voice, "I need something from you..."

I slid my chair back, and walked over to him. I grabbed his shoulders to straighten him up, but he flinched away from me violently, gasping in what was unmistakably pain. I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me. Tears were welling in the corner of his eyes.

Then my eyes caught sight of the bloody bandages around his neck.

Without asking, I gingerly pulled them away trying not to let the bile in my throat rise as it revealed what was underneath.

"I'm not sure what can be done for this, Soubi."

"Anything, please...," He pleaded. "Please, Sensei."

I frowned, absurdly upset that he was avoiding my gaze.

Instead of asking him further questions, I gently swept his hair back and placed my hands gently around his neck and whispered inaudible words of healing. After a few minutes, Soubi placed his hands over mine. Tears slipping down his cheeks.

I found myself bending down, kissing his lips. He reciprocated for only a moment and then tore himself away.

"I need to get going, Seimei is waiting for me."

I didn't know it would be the last time I would see Soubi. I'm sure if I had, I wouldn't have let him walk out that door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**:P apparently this went from short plot to ridiculous plot in my head. there shall be more to come. might be a little longer so it's not so short...we shall see. i'm not quite sure hahaha...ahhhh...it's soooo past my bedtime right now _**


	4. Chapter 4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>"There's no work in walking in to fuel the talk. I grab my shoes and then away I'd walk. Through all the stubborn beauty, I start at the dawn until the sun had fully stopped. Never walking away from just a way to pull apart... Dehydrate back into minerals; a lifelong walk to the exact same spot..." [Modest Mouse, Parting of the Sensory"]<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Socializing had never been a strong suit for me. Even under Ritsu's care and instruction, I never really found the importance of "friends." They never appealed to me. Seimei, though he appeared to treat others with respect, was not a friendly individual. It wasn't friendliness that would win a battle, and it certainly was not going to aide in the path of destruction. He could break you down outside of the battle perimeters by uttering just a few simple sentences.

He did it well, and it was curious to me why I was necessary to him. It gave me purpose, which I needed and wanted, but it was not the ideal situation. I felt bitter towards Ritsu for giving me away. Seimei was correct the day he gave me my name. I was to be reborn, to shed the unnecessary memories and become 100% **_his_** Sentouki.

I always felt shame at having seen Ritsu that one last time. I vowed I would never betray Seimei that way again. He never mentioned it, had never punished me for it, but I was not foolish enough to think he did not know I begged Ritsu to help me heal the wounds.

Today Seimei was acting particularly distant despite him being almost unreadable in that respect. Finally, he closed his book, staring right at me. "Soubi, if I were to disappear or die you _will_ go to Ritsuka."

"Understood."

"Excellent."

I never asked for further information. I knew from experience that Seimei did not say something just for the hell of it. It made me fearful of the information I knew he was not going to share with me. Why he would expect to die, I could not fathom. His demeanor remained unchanged as we continued to sit in silence.

Eventually he left, and I sat with my sketch pad awaiting the inevitable arrival of the only person I could honestly say was a friend.

Kaido Kio.

An interesting individual to say the least. He was usually cheerful, energetic and magnetic. I tried hard to ignore him, but his persistence was ridiculous and borderline harassment at times. He didn't fully grasp who I was, which was okay. I didn't feel up to the challenge of opening up to anyone at this point. Seimei would have scoffed at me, made tart remarks about this guy and left him with verbal scars that would take months to shake clean.

After an hour or so, the door opened and Kio came in, bearing sacks of what was inevitably beer, hard liquor, cigarettes for me and candy for himself.

He didn't say much as he put the necessary items in the refrigerator. After a few minutes I heard the snap of a beer can opening and he came up behind me, leaning over my shoulder, waving it in front of my work.

"Souuuu-chan...You cannot resist...give in...," He whispered eerily and comically.

I shook my head, suppressing the smile working its way across my lips. It was hard to accept that Kio was a good person with no interest other than brightening someone's day. I was also not disturbed by his constant flirting. I had long ago accepted that I wasn't attracted to women the way I should be. I didn't like the title that gay or homosexual conveyed certain stereotypes. The word queer didn't help either.

Kio didn't seem bothered by these titles, these words that meant nothing. He openly admitted that I was attractive to him. He would also admit that he was openly attracted to women in addition to men. He never put a name to the feeling, he just accepted it with open arms.

I reached up and took the beer from him. "Trying to get me drunk, Kio?"

He smiled, faux guilt falling over his features. "What can I say, it's like a personal challenge at this point."

"Hmmm, is that so?"

Kio winked and cracked open a bottle of vodka, taking a swig. The face he made after swallowing was almost priceless. It was like watching a small child bite into a lemon, expecting to be able to eat it as if it were an orange. "Ahhhh, that first pull is never decent. You know when you're drunk when the burn and flavor don't bother ya..."

I snorted, sipping the beer he'd graciously handed me.

We sat in silence a little longer before Kio cleared his throat. "I wanted to come sooner, but I saw your...friend leave and figured you'd need some time alone again."

I felt the air tighten in the room. Seimei, a friend? Not exactly how I'd have phrased it, but...

"We've been over this, Kio," I muttered, taking a longer sip. "He is my master."

"I guess until you indulge me more as to what the hell that means, I refuse to believe you. If he's your boyfriend, that's fine, Sou-chan, but honestly, don't lie to me about this."

This time I started laughing honestly. "Kio, that is the last thing Seimei would ever be to ANYONE. He doesn't even like being touched by other people."

Kio smiled sadly. "Then how is it you end up with those cuts and bruises? Someone has to be touching you, and if it isn't him then who?"

I sighed and did more than just sip the beer. Apparently tonight I **was** going to get drunk. I'd briefly had this conversation with Kio, but frankly, we never got past my ambiguity. And it was on purpose. Kio would not understand and I didn't feel like making a fool of myself in order to try.

Quite a few beers and shots of vodka later, we were having a pretty good laugh. Kio was retelling every sexual mishap he'd had ranging from accidents in the bedroom to being caught in places and strange situations. I was tipsy, definitely inebriated, but I was enjoying myself for the first time. Literally, the first time.

"Kio," I laughed, "You really shouldn't tell people things like this."

"What's more hilarious than getting caught by a school girl's mom outside in their backyard right after her graduation reception? Ohhhh, there was one time in a parking ramp with this super cute guy. I can't remember his name of course, but the security guard waited until we were done to come down and notify us we were right in view of the camera. I tried to get him to give us a copy, but he thought I was a gangster trying to bribe him. Called the cops..."

I laughed a little harder. Kio was definitely different from anyone I'd ever met.

"So, now you've gotta share something! I feel like I'm just sitting here bragging and you're judging me, Sou-chan! Just one story, please?" Kio demanded.

I shook my head. "No story to tell, sadly."

"Oh come one, no embarrassing sexual mishaps?"

"Nope."

"What about when you lost your ears?" He teased. "That's always a good one to share."

I shrugged. "It was...unexpected, to say the least."

Kio frowned, glancing away. "Soubi...I-I didn't mean to pry..."

"I wasn't raped, Kio. It was just...unexpected was all. Sometimes people do strange things when they get possessive."

He sighed dramatically. "You're always so elusive, Sou-chan! God! It's almost annoying, but it works with your tall, dark and handsome demeanor. Some day you will tell me your secrets. I know you will."

"Kio, they aren't secrets to share. I told you last time, I follow orders. I have them for a reason."

"Then explain these rules to me."

"I am bound to Seimei. He is my master, he is my God, my Alpha, and my Omega. What else is there to explain?"

Kio was still obviously unsatisfied with that answer. "So he's your boyfriend."

"Kio, seriously..."

"I'm only making fun of you, Sou-chan. If you won't tell me anymore about it, I can only draw my own conclusions from the information presented." He stuck his tongue out playfully, then took another pull from his vodka. He handed it to me and I took it.

He was right about one thing. After awhile, it didn't matter that it burned and tasted awful. By his explanation, I was definitely drunk now.

He must have seen the contemplation on my face, as he brought himself closer to me. "Do you want to see something?"

When I didn't reply, he turned his back to me and lifted up his shirt.

I sat back in shock. The tattoo covering his back was fantastic. The curves...The lines, they were perfect.

"Trust me when I say I didn't get this because I wanted to look cool. Some day I might tell you about the story behind this tattoo, but I'll only tell you when you tell me your secrets. You aren't the only one that hides their pain, Sou-chan. Don't think you have to go through this alone, whatever it is."

I reached out, tracing a few of the lines. He relaxed under my touch and I withdrew my hand suddenly. Kio was warm, inviting and I was betraying Seimei with these actions and thoughts.

Kio let his shirt fall back down and he turned to face me. "You don't have to hide, Sou-chan. It's okay..."

I inhaled sharply, grabbing the half empty beer and downing it. "I'm not hiding."

"Ohhhh, is that so?" He teased. "Then stop being so mysterious. Come on, you're such a little queer. You were totally into me just a minute ago. What's so wrong with that?"

"I'm not gay," I replied, almost offended.

"Right, and Seimei isn't your boyfriend, even though he's your master and your beginning and your end," Kio rolled his eyes, even though he was still smiling. "You're adorable, Sou-chan. You can sit there and say that all you wanna, but I'm not as stupid as you think."

"On the contrary, Kio, you're very astute and observant. Which is exactly why I don't need to tell you anything. You will make your own assumptions with or without the truth." I smiled back at him.

"Well, I'm about to make another assumption then," Kio shot back at me.

Before I could ask what it was, he cupped my face in his hands, kissing me gently. I wasn't sure why I let him. It might have been because we were both fairly drunk. It might have been to see how far I would let this go.

It might also have been to see how far he would try to take it.

His lips were soft, though. It wasn't an overtly sexual moment, just tender. I lowered my head, breaking away. Thoughts of Ritsu swirled around suddenly and I wasn't in reality at the moment.

It was as if I were transported back in time. I could feel Ritsu's chest, his hair brushing against my cheek. I could even feel his breath, short and hot against my neck.

Reality came back when Kio kissed me again with more intent. I'd hesitated too long, allowing room for misinterpretation. His hands traveled down my sides and without missing a beat, I grasped his wrists, pulling his arms in between us and pushed him away gently. He sat back, balancing on the balls of his feet.

"Sorry," He mumbled.

I shook my head. "It's not your fault. It wasn't my intention to let you do it twice."

"Where do you go when you get that look, Sou-chan? You look like you're remembering something important. I don't know if you're aware, but whenever I ask you personal questions, you get this almost wistful look in your eyes." Kio whispered. "Who are you remembering?"

I shook my head, laughing slightly. I hadn't realized I was so easy to read. No wonder Seimei treated me the way he did. I'd lost my training somewhere down this road with BELOVED.

"I can't, Kio."

"The only one stopping you is YOU, Sou-chan."

"There are actually many reasons. And it starts with Seimei. I've left that part of me behind. It is in the past for a reason, not to interfere with the present."

"I've gotta tell ya, I'm not too fond of the bastard, and I don't even _know_ him."

I took the opportunity to try to stand. I desperately wanted a cigarette. "Please don't talk that way about Seimei."

"HA! So I'm finally striking a nerve, eh? Good, I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression about how I feel."

"It's disrespectful, Kio."

"But it isn't disrespectful to abuse and mangle you?"

"Of course not, it is his decision to make."

Kio shook his head. "I'm either too drunk or not drunk enough to accept this." He hesitated in putting the vodka to his lips this time and decided to return the cap and set it back down. "You know, if you're into the kinky aspect of things, I'm not above it. Just say the word and I'll bring over some handcuffs and straps. I'll make you beg for your god if you want."

For the first time in awhile, I blushed, and I blushed **_hard_**. Kio and I then burst out laughing at the same time. "I'd rather you didn't. I'm not very fond of pain."

"See, you can say that, but I won't believe you."

I lit my cigarette before actually getting to the balcony, but it didn't matter. I tried not to smoke indoors when Kio was over. He pretended to make a big deal out of it, as if making a joke, though I knew he was completely serious.

He followed me out to the balcony, plopping a sucker between his lips. "Some day you will have to tell me what exactly this all means. I sincerely mean that, not just because I'm nosy or a gossipy bitch. I honestly, truly care about you. When you decide to open up to me, I'll let you know the story behind this tattoo. I'm sure you're thinking it can't possibly as good of a secret as your story, but someday you'll find out."


	5. Chapter 5

"Well we sat on the edge of the river, the crow screamed, 'Sacrifice the liver!' If God takes life, he's an Indian giver. So tell me now why you'll tell me never. Who would wanna be such a control freak? Well, see what you wanna see-you should see it all. Well, take what you want from me-you deserve it all. Nine times out of ten, our hearts just get dissolved. Well I want a better place or just a better way to fall..." [Modest Mouse, Bukowski]

Today was a day that reminded me of everything I'd tried so hard to forget. I had tried so hard to become someone new, to shed the feelings and hopes and dreams of my former self.

Today, I realized I had only neatly tucked it into a box inside of myself.

Today...

Would it ever end? How am I supposed to continue like this?

I couldn't even go back to the Academy. Not like this. Not without Seimei.

I curled up on the floor next to my bed. Somewhere between the cold floor and my body I had hoped to find the sanity I'd lost long ago, seeking comfort in what was broken so long ago. How could this happen? Why? Why did everyone leave me? Why am I always left behind?

My parents, Ritsu...and now Seimei. How could I possibly lose everyone? What did I ever do to deserve this?

I tried to be realistic with it, but it always came back to this irrational thought. I knew it was irrational, but I continually rationalized it. I either couldn't or didn't want to stop rationalizing it. It had been days since I left the apartment anyway. It was only a matter of time before I wasted away.

At some point I must have passed out between choked sobs and silent tears. I heard the door open. Part of me hoped if I lied still long enough, I would disappear and whoever it was would just leave.

But I knew it was Kio.

I'd been absent from class for so long, it was inevitable that he'd come to see what was going on. I didn't expect him to. Part of me didn't want him to, either. I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to see or hear another human's voice, not even myself. I didn't even want to be here anymore...but where would I go?

"Sou-chan?" Kio's tone was hushed. He sounded scared.

I tried to keep still, but I felt my face contort, felt the tears stream down once more. Kio's warm hands brushed my hair aside and I turned away from the contact, sobbing.

"Christ, Sou-chan," He mumbled. "What the fuck happened?"

I couldn't answer. I didn't know how to speak. I wasn't sure I knew how to think.

"Soubi!" Kio sounded more frightened, lifting my head slightly. My vision was blurry, and I felt sick. I reached up and pulled his hands away just in time to turn my head more and vomit profusely. It was mostly yellow and thick. It looked similar to the consistency of medium pulp orange juice. "You have to get up, dammit! Come on, Sou-chan. You can sit up..."

He pulled me into a sitting position and I leaned against the bed, numb. My mind was blank as I watched him clean up the mess silently. He disappeared for a few minutes and came back with a cup of water, sitting down in front of me with his legs crossed.

"Sip this, do not drink more than necessary. Are you sick?"

I took the cup from him, but did not answer. What was I going to say?

"Fuck, Soubi, you look like shit. How long have you been like this?" Kio yelled. It was unusual for him to refer to me by my full name.

Finally I looked at him. "I..."

I felt my throat close, but I tried to breathe. "I don't know."

"Do you even know what day it is?"

I shook my head, barely sipping the water he'd handed me.

Kio sighed deeply. "You aren't sick, are you?"

I shook my head just barely. Even that movement made my vision blur.

"If you can't tell me, I can't help you."

I pulled my knees up and buried my face, shaking again as tears fell.

"Is it Seimei? What happened Sou-chan? Please, I want to help you. I'm here for you, please don't push me away," Kio's fingertips barely brushed against the back of my head.

"He's dead, Kio," I gasped. "He's fucking dead, and I couldn't do anything about it!"

"D-Dead? B-b-but how!"

"Someone strapped him to a desk and set him on fire," I whispered fiercely, still fighting the furious streams of tears. I wiped my nose on my sleeve for what seemed the millionth time.

"Oh god, Sou-chan. Why didn't you call me? How long have you been laying here like this! When did you last eat?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm alone. Again, I'm left alone, with nobody here."

This time, Kio roughly grabbed me. He made me look at him. There were tears falling down his face and he looked stricken with grief. "I'm here, Sou-chan. I'm here right now, aren't I? I'm not going anywhere."

I looked away with guilt. "You don't need to be. You can go."

"I'm here because I care about you, dammit. I've told you before, we're friends whether you like it or not. When was the last time you had a bath? You need to clean up, Sou-chan. You look like hell. I'm not leaving until you're clean and have some kind of food in you, be it broth, chocolate, or vodka."

He helped me walk to the bathroom. He helped me get my clothes off, but just down to my boxers. At that point he turned on the water and got my towels for me, telling me to get in. I reluctantly slipped off the thin fabric and washed myself. Kio sat against the wall on the small step-stool, eyes downcast the entire time. I knew he wouldn't let me get out until I washed my hair and body, so I got it over with.

It felt unreal, like I was moving in a dream. Every movement was heavy, uncoordinated and awkward.

I could tell he was scared.

I was scared, too.

As the days progressed to a week, things did not get better. I often found myself sneaking out of class once the tears started to well in my eyes. I couldn't think of anything but Seimei. I didn't understand. He had to have known this was coming, I didn't forget him telling me if something happened to him that I was to go to his younger brother Ritsuka. I never thought it would be this soon.

All I could think about was why didn't he call out to me if he was in trouble? Did I not hear him? Did I accidentally ignore it? How could I let this happen to my Sacrifice! I was supposed to protect him, to keep him safe.

I had failed as his fighter. I had failed miserably. I let him die in the most painful way.

Kio seemed increasingly worried about me. I wasn't hiding this guilt from him very well. He came home with me every night and would make sure I made it to class every morning, picking me up from my apartment. He would make sure I had clean clothes, and that the apartment was kept up on.

I couldn't hardly even paint anymore. Holding the brush was painful. I wanted to curl up and fall into the canvas and never come back out.

Tonight wasn't much better than the previous nights, either. Kio was busy making mixed alcoholic beverages for us with the blender and some ice. If it weren't for the fact it would have disappointed Ritsu, I was sure I'd have turned to self destructive behavior. I wanted to claw my flesh away, to find something worth my existence beneath it.

Kio didn't ask me to talk about it. Not since that first night. I was okay with it. I didn't want to talk about it anymore than he wanted to hear it. Once it hit the news that the charred remains had in fact been identified as Aoyagi Seimei, there wasn't much left to discuss.

My sacrifice, my only meaning for existence on this plane of reality was gone.

Kio didn't really understand, but he tried. He tried to make me laugh, or at least smile. It's hard when the last thing you want is to do any of it. I'd sit there quietly while he tried to tell me something funny, and I knew that had it been a couple weeks ago we would have had a great laugh about it.

I didn't know when I'd be able to feel alive again. I was barely living as it stood right now. I couldn't translate this pain into something visual anymore.

After a month had passed, I decided to finally seek out the elusive Aoyagi Rtsuka. I knew where their house was, of course. I knew what the kid looked like from a distance, as well as the one picture Seimei had slipped into my sketch pad at some point, but following him to his school was a different story.

I felt betrayed somehow. I didn't know what to expect from the situation. Ritsuka didnt have the presence of a Sacrifice the way Seimei did. I couldn't pick up on his energy or his power. It was confusing to me. I wasn't sure how to approach this, nor did I want to do this in particular...

But it was Seimei's order. I would not disobey him, especially on this topic. He did this for a reason, I was sure. There had to be a reason, and Ritsuka might have answers, despite Seimei making it clear to me that I was to tell him nothing or reveal what he did not already know of.

Another week went by before I decided to finally get it over with. My trepidation would only put this off longer if I let it.

I waited nervously outside the gate, lighting yet another cigarette. Passersby were staring at me suspiciously, though I didn't particularly give a damn. I wished they would mind their own business, I wasn't doing any harm leaning against a brick wall.

Just as the kids came flooding out after the bell tones sounded, I knew I only had a few moments to find this kid. I peered around the corner just in time for the kid to almost smash into me. I hooked his arm, mostly out of surprise that it was Ritsuka.

He had tears in his eyes.

I suddenly felt empathy wash over me. The bitterness I felt melted away instantly.

"What's wrong, Ritsuka? Why're you crying?"

He froze, jerking away from me. "Who's crying!"

"...You are." I said quietly.

"I am not! Don't be stupid!" He shouted, "Let go of me! Who are you?"

I tightened my grip on his arm slightly. "You don't know me?"

"No! I said let go!"

"You didn't come to meet me, so I came here instead." I tried to draw him closer, to keep him from making a scene, but he wasn't having it. I watched his eyes travel to the top of my head and he pulled away again.

"Let me GO! How do you know me! Who are you, a kidnapper? A pervert?"

Whoa...I thought to myself, better take a step back from this one...

"I...am a fighter."

"A what?" He was glaring now.

"You never heard about me from Seimei?"

That got his attention quickly. His anger dropped and his eyes widened as a blush crossed his cheeks. "You-You knew Seimei?"

"That's correct."

Ritsuka reached for me hand himself this time. "Are you Seimei's friend? But you've never come to the house before have you? I wouldn't forget that. What's your name?"

I couldn't help but smile at his naivety and innocence. "Soubi."

"And you came to meet me?"

"Yep."

"Why...?" He suddenly pulled on my arm, leading me away from the gate. "Hey, do you have some time? Let's create some memories!"

I was taken aback by the statement as a whole. I gently ran my fingers through his hair. "Okay, whatever you want..."

After an hour or so of extensive photography, I finally got him to sit down. He seemed depressed after I mentioned talking would create good memories too.

"If you don't have pictures, you'll forget about me...that I exist." He muttered, clicking through all the photos.

"I would never forget about you, Ritsuka."

Ritsuka sighed, his shoulders sagging slightly. "You would...It's okay, it's inevitable..."

I sat down across from him, wondering what I was getting into. Ritsuka wasn't acting strange per se, but it made me wonder what kind of child he was. What twelve year old worries that people will forget about him?

"It's okay, since your Seimei's friend. It means a lot to me," He smiled, "but I never knew...I never knew Seimei had any adult friends..."

"What? Oh, my ears..." I touched the top of my head in an awkward, self conscious manner. "It's all right, I'm not going to do anything to you."

Words were betrayed by actions as I leaned over the table, though. I gently kissed him. He shoved my face away from his harshly. "SOUBI! You asshole! I don't believe you! You just said-"

"It's just a kiss-" I interrupted him, but he was still going off.

"You SAID you wouldn't do anything!"

He looked frightened.

I grasped his hand tightly in mine. "Give me your strength, Ritsuka. From now on, we are joined by a bond that is deeper and stronger than anyone else's."

With these words...I will seduce Ritsuka.

I kissed the back of his hand, letting the spell wash over him. Just as I withdrew, someone's battle perimeters hit mine. There was a fighter nearby. I looked over my shoulder suspiciously.

Ritsuka was borderline panic attack as he sat there, shaking. "Do you...Do you mean...sex?"

"Ha," I chuckled. "No, I can't get off for a kid like you."

He didn't look like he knew what to say to that, he just sat there blushing madly.

I couldn't tell Ritsuka what was going on right now. Obviously Seimei did not inform his brother of who and what they really where.

Shit! I thought, Shit, shit, shit, shit...They're here!

"I love you, Ritsuka."

"Eh-What? What the hell is this! Fuck off!"

I laughed a little. "I love you." I repeated myself slowly. "I'll protect you, I'll do anything for you."

"Anything?"

"Anything. I'll give you everything I can; my body, my heart, my soul. I'll give it all to you. I'll even give my life to fight for you, so don't be afraid."

"I-I...I don't...You can't say things like that!"

"I can," I replied, taking my glasses off. "Because I can cast spells."

"Hey!" The girl's voice was shrill. They weren't very old by the looks of them "Who the hell are you! You aren't LOVELESS' Fighter. Who are you!"

I didn't respond, but chose to tear off the bandages around my neck. The boy looked more shocked than his female companion. "You're not...You're alive? Soubi?"

Ritsuka reached up, fingers playing across the scars timidly. "Soubi? What...What the were you to Seimie? You-"

"I was BELOVED's Fighter, and now I belong to you."

The girl scoffed with obvious distaste for my words. "Quit joking around. Have you lost your mind? You can't serve two masters! Not to mention that BELOVED is dead, you can't just serve LOVELESS! It's unforgivable!"

As the world faded around us inside the battle perimeters, I picked Ristuka up, hugging him close. "Ritsuka, don't worry. Close your eyes, I'll explain all of this later..."

I wasn't sure how I made them withdraw so easily. I fought on automatic to avoid involving Ritsuka in this, since he obviously had no idea what a Sacrifice or Sentouki were.

Ritsuka was obviously upset and confused when I left him there in the park.

What choice did I have? I was confused as well. I wasn't sure where to start with him. His eyes...Those pleading, forgiving eyes would absolve me of everything. It only tore me up more inside. I wasn't sure I could handle much more of this confusion.

Ritsuka was the exact opposite of Seimei.

Seimei was cruel and calculating. Ritsuka was so naive and innocent, despite his endearing use of foul language. Seimei even gave off the vibe of a predator, whereas Ritsuka hardly registered on that scale.

This was going to be interesting, to say the least.


	6. Chapter 6

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>"Show me arms that reach for all we can be. Through understanding, I tried forgiveness I faced the past, it's what I witnessed. Why do I only feel the chills when I'm with you? I only hear your words that you say are true, but you keep thinking it over. You can catch me if you wanted to..." [Blue October - The Chills]<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Agatsuma Soubi.

I sighed inwardly, attempting to work on the handouts sent home. I continually stared at the cell phone he gave me. It was weird, and so very awkward. I knew that he meant well. At least, I hoped I wasn't naive enough to just think that.

Not many adults get away with what he does. My insides burn and flip whenever he touches me. I don't understand if it's because he's an adult and I'm afraid, or because I won't allow myself to give into him.

He says he loves me.

And I cry about it.

I don't even cry about the things my mother screams at me, or when she hurts me. I'm not sure why. Between the two, the one I should be torn up most about is my mother. But it isn't her fault that I've changed. Even the doctors and all their tests cannot figure out what happened when I was ten years old.

I could have blocked it out, or maybe there was an accident that nobody told me about? I try not to dwell on the 'why' factor, and just trudge on through this. Without Seimei, though, it's so hard. I feel like every day is hard when he's not here. I miss him to the point of my heart physically hurting. It wasn't fair. Nobody deserves to die like that.

And then Soubi shows up out of nowhere. He doesn't tell me a whole lot about Seimei, other than his orders to protect me and that Seimei told him to love me. I'm disgusted that someone can follow orders without hesitation, without free will.

There were so many things I didn't understand. Did Seimei mean for Soubi to kiss me and say that he loved me? Was that just Soubi's perversion?

Was it my perversion as well? I don't dislike it, but I'm not sure I like it either.

I remembered he leaned down on the walk home the other night and kissed me hard. His tongue ran along my lips and I felt awkward about it. He'd asked how it made me feel, but I didn't know how to answer other than to tell him that I bet other kids in my class weren't doing things like this. I hadn't meant for it to come across as mean, though. Soubi asked if it made me feel dirty.

I thought about that question a lot, and came to the conclusion that the answer was no. I didn't feel dirty when Soubi did these things. I was consumed by the fact others would, though. I couldn't tell Yuiko about it, and I definitely was not going to even think about putting confidence in telling Yayoi. Yuiko was too infatuated with me, and Yayoi with her.

I couldn't talk about it with Soubi, either. I don't know if I can trust what he says to me. He says he will protect me, that he will love me, but I am cautious of whether those are his true feelings or orders that he follows.

Things have become extremely complicated though. Ever since the Zero boys became involved, Soubi seemed even more desperate than before. He wasn't always acting that way, and sometimes I didn't mind it when his lips met mine. He'd grabbed me so tenderly, pulling me to him. It was strange to me how he could ease my fear, yet exacerbate it at the same time. The way he had pushed me onto the bed, his knee coming up between my legs...

I blushed hard, sliding away from my desk. I had to stop thinking about this or I wouldn't get anything done. As I went to retreat downstairs to find something to eat, my phone buzzed. It slowly traveled to the edge of the desk with each vibration. I knew it had to be Soubi. Yuiko was definitely asleep by now.

I grabbed it and flipped it open.

'Are you awake, Ritsuka?'

I blushed again, my stomach flipping over. I sent him a message back saying that I was.

'I'm outside.' He sent back.

I peered curiously outside the double doors to my room. Sure enough, he was standing across the street, the end of his cigarette visible even from this distance. I flipped the phone open again.

'Then get up here or go home.' I hit send tentatively. Soubi was unpredictable when it came to giving him a choice. It always seemed that he made the decision I knew he should make, but never the one I wanted him to make. Part of me wanted him to come into my room, the other part of me knowing he would most likely leave.

I waited for his response as I ducked into the bathroom. I stared into the mirror for a moment as I washed my hands. I glanced at the phone, which had remained silent. I chewed on my lip only for a moment before I heard the door slide open and close just as quietly. His steps were quiet on the floor, careful to not draw attention. He was so enormous that it was hard to hide his presence sometimes. Mother had questioned the noises before, but never invaded my privacy to actually find out. She believed me for the most part that I was alone. Perhaps somewhere in her mind, she envisioned Seimei instead of an intruder who occasionally violated her remaining child.

I slowly exited the bathroom, attempting to act casual. Soubi stood awkwardly by the desk, peering at the handouts and smiled at me as he set it back down. "Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Shouldn't you be at home instead of harassing me?" I shot back. It came out before I really thought about it. His smile widened as he shrugged off his coat. It was rare of him to wear anything besides a turtleneck or long sleeves. Tonight he was in a black t-shirt, his bandages neat and tight as usual around his neck.

I found myself trailing my gaze down his body and looked away, feeling the heat in my face again. I hated how he made me feel this way. It almost wasn't fair.

I cautiously came around my bed and reached for the sheets he'd delicately put back. "Sensei asked how you were doing."

"And?"

"Well, I didn't know what to tell her. I said you were doing fine. She's still freaked out about what happened, I think..."

Soubi wrapped his arms around me, leaning his chin on the top of my head. "Interesting."

I stood awkwardly, not sure what to do with the papers in my hand all of the sudden. "Soubi... Why did you come over this late?"

I felt his lips against my ear, and heard his light, airy chuckle. "Because I missed you. And staring at your phone all the time does not make it ring, I don't know why you don't ever call me."

"You never answer when I want you to. What's the point?"

I bit my tongue after I spoke. It came out more honest than I'd intended. I was beginning to feel tired, I couldn't think quite right anymore. His hands around my waist were distracting me. I could feel every finger as it delicately pressed into my skin. I turned around in his embrace and looked up at him. He smelled heavily of cigarettes still. It wasn't a smell that I liked, but for some reason it was a smell I didn't mind on Soubi anymore. It was part of his scent.

He gently kissed me and I broke away, grabbing his face in both my hands. "Don't," I said softly, but forcefully, "I need to go to bed."

"Do you want me to leave?"

I shrugged, looking down. "I don't mind if you stay or not." It was hard to ignore the heat between my legs when he was so close. I tried not to be embarrassed about it. Sometimes when we fell asleep together, I would wake up with him curled against me tightly and it was fairly obvious that he had as much control over his physiological responses as I did.

"I will leave if you want me to, Ritsuka," He replied, tangling his hands in my hair. I loved the way he said my name, despite the odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. It reminded me of Seimei in an odd way. Perhaps it was the calm manner in which it rolled off his tongue.

I sighed and broke away from him and flipped off the overhead lights, which left the small lamp next to the bed. I climbed in and buried my face in a pillow. I heard the soft thud of his boots hitting the floor when he slipped them off one by one. He crawled in next to me and pulled me close, a hand straying up the front of my shirt. It was strange that he was being so eager for contact like this. I didn't mind his hand resting above my navel.

It was reassuring.

He brought his knee up, wedging it in between my own, possessively trapping me. My heart thudded in my chest so hard I knew he had to feel it. I wasn't sure how to react in these situations. I trusted him to a certain extent, but couldn't trust him at the same time. This type of predicament usually resulted in my banishing him for the evening because I couldn't figure out how I felt about it. I hated to see him go despite how uncomfortable he made me.

Soubi pulled his hand from underneath my shirt and snaked up between my arms and he grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. I stared at his lips, then braved meeting his gaze. He looked confused... No... Not confused. He looked unsure of himself.

"Soubi? What is it?"

Instead of replying, he slid his hand from my chin to my neck, kissing my cheek. I turned away shyly from the contact which resulted in his lips traveling further down my neck. His legs tightened around mine, his knee riding up higher between my thighs. I felt a small gasp escape my lips when I felt him nip at me. It hadn't hurt, but it did scare me.

"S-stop, Soubi...I really-" I gulped as his hand started to trail down instead of staying where it was. I started to shake violently, fear consuming me. "Soubi, I don't want to make you leave. Just stop, please. I'm asking you to stop, so don't make me order you to go home."

I could feel his hips shift away from me, allowing me more room. His knee descended as well. I was still shaking as he ran his fingers through my hair. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"You're always sorry for the same things all the time. Maybe you should learn from them?" I replied tartly, burying my face in the pillow once more.

He laughed a little. "I learn from them more than you do, Ritsuka." His lips brushed against the back of my neck. "I know you like it sometimes. Right now, you must be tired. You've gotten a little irritated with me."

Just a little? Ha! I wanted to say it out loud, but groaned instead. "Yes, I'm tired! I'm not in my bed because I'm bored!"

"What if I'm in your bed because I'm bored?" Soubi teased.

"Thought you missed me?"

"I got bored waiting for you to call me..."

"Sleep, Soubi. That's an order..."

.

In the following weeks, I had decided to go with Yuiko to Yayoi's house after school, and while rummaging through games, he had a code similar to the one Soubi and I acquired through one of our battles. I remembered awkwardly pulling him down and kissing him, telling him I wanted that envelope no matter what the cost. The code inside that envelope was similar to the one Yayoi had. He'd told me it was to a game called Wisdom Resurrection.

Since then, I'd spent quite a few nights talking with the ones who had intended for me to be at the specified locations in the code Soubi and I had gotten. Nagisa, Seven and Ritsu weren't really of much help. Seven only answered yes and no questions, Nagisa was a pain in the neck...but Ritsu...

He seemed to know more, and seemed more willing to give me information. Gora, I was told.

Soubi didn't seem very happy with me when the phrase came out of my mouth. Of course, there were a lot of things he didn't like lately. Finding me tied to the kitchen chair didn't help either one of us. I could tell immediately that something was wrong when he didn't even ask what happened and just slumped to the floor and buried his head in my lap, crying.

He had begged me not to leave him, to run away with him. I didn't understand what happened to him. He never talked about personal things much, but I could tell he was broken somehow. It had made me mad that he had a key, but I couldn't do much about it now. It had turned into another one of those moments where he cornered me and needed to touch me, to kiss me and beg me to take me with him no matter where I went.

Sometimes I honestly wasn't sure what to say to him. Soubi tore me up inside more than anyone else ever had, more than anyone else probably ever could. All I could do was reassure him I wasn't going anywhere without him.

.

..

**Rewrote this waaaay too many times. Sorry for lameness/out of order plot placements. It seems rushed, but ehhh it is what it is. Every draft kept rambling like a journal entry, which might have worked out, I don't know. I scrapped too many versions and got burnt out with it. I wanted some congruity in the chapters instead of jumping around in years. Although that could possibly happen in the future...**


	7. Chapter 7

"It's a crime you let it happen to me. Never mind, I'll let it happen to you. Out of mind, forget it-there's nothing to lose but my mind and all the things I wanted. Every time I get it, I throw it away. It's a sign, I get it. I wanna stay. By the time I lose it, I'm not afraid I'm alive, but I can surely fake it.

How Can I believe when this cloud hangs over me? You're the part of me that I don't wanna see...Forget it..." [Breaking Benjamin - Forget it]  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<p>

**a/n: Going out on a limb with this one...just forewarning you! most likely going to completely deviate from the established story line . but isn't that what makes it fun? Yes? (I hope so!)**

.

...

I stood in the shower, letting the water run down my back. Ritsuka had banished me for the evening yet again.

I couldn't help but stare at the drain as I lost myself in thought. I knew perfectly well that what I was doing was wrong. It made me sick, but it was almost beyond my control. I craved to have a connection to someone. Even if it meant betraying my name. Even if it meant enduring twice the pain.

His eyes though...

They forgave everything.

Every trespass on his body, every time I knew I was pushing my limits with him... He was always going to forgive it. I didn't understand why I was so adamant about it. I especially didn't understand how he could so easily brush it off.

I leaned against the shower wall thinking to myself, I'm so fucked up.

He wasn't the dominating presence I wanted so badly. It was almost a masochistic desire to pursue him like this. Ritsuka was not Seimei. And he definitely was not going to amount to Ritsu any time soon.

Ritsu...

My fists clenched as I turned off the water. He was the last person I wanted to invade my thoughts when I felt this desperate.

.

..

...

Gora.

The one place I did not want to go back to. Especially with Ritsuka. I'd been ordered not to divulge information about Seven Moons, and I'd kept my word. My heart was pounding in my chest when those words slipped off that boy's lips. Now, halfway there, and a few awkward conversation pauses later, Kio pulled the car over to get snacks.

Ritsuka sat there demanding to see the extent of the damage Seimei had done. I politely removed my shirt and the wrap around my neck.

He shuddered, muttering something along the lines of it being 'violence.'

"Not to me," I replied. Ritsuka ran his fingers down a few of the scars on my side, his eyes focused as though looking through me instead of at me. I could almost literally see the cogs and gears turning in his mind. His precious Seimei was capable of so much worse. I hated to shatter the image of Seimei that Ritsuka desperately clung to, but it wasn't out of misery that I allowed him to see these scars.

No...It was out of blind instinct to make Ritsuka see that I could be handled. I wasn't a delicate flower, I was not a butterfly trapped in a whirlwind.

"Uh...eh, you two! This is not the place to be doing this!"

Kio's voice cut through the air, leaving me feeling irritated. If he'd only taken a few more minutes...

.

As we approached the academy, Ritsuka gently grasped my hand. I didn't think I had appeared so obviously disturbed by this little jaunt from home . I turned to look at him. His eyes were wide, almost expressionless. It was immediately clear to me that he was doing this for my benefit, that he wanted me to know he was there.

My heart jerked wildly in my chest.

"Kio, you know you won't be able to go in with us. You'll have to wait in the car." I informed him as we pulled up to the curb.

"The hell I am!"

"Kio..."

"Sou-chan, I didn't drive us all the way here to just sit in the fucking car."

I shrugged, stepping out. Ritsuka was on my heels, hand still grasping mine with the same intensity as before.

Kio sped around and parked, jogging to catch up to us as we entered the building.

I smirked when Kio argued that he wanted to stay and was promptly thrown out. At least now he couldn't say I tricked him into staying in the car. It really had been a suggestion for his benefit.

I could hear my heart beating wildly as Ritsuka was greeted by Ai and Midori.

"Welcome to the Academy of Seven Voices!" They said in unison.

I almost smiled at the look on Ritsuka's face. He appeared to be very embarrassed.

Midori smiled mischievously at him. "You're surprised, aren't you! Hey, you're here now, so why didn't you come before?"

"Ummm...," Ritsuka obviously struggled for words. "I needed the correct information before I could determine this was a safe decision."

Wise choice of words for a kid, I thought idly, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Pffft, you really don't trust us, do you? You'll only believe I'm honest when you see it yourself?" Midori huffed.

Ritsuka didn't exactly glare at the green monster before him, but he looked agitated to say the least. "You're damn right I don't trust you!"

I withdrew my hands from my pockets and leaned over Ritsuka, wrapping my arms around him possessively. "Could you perhaps refrain from being so friendly with Ritsuka? You're not friends."

Ritsuka jumped slightly, changing the subject just as fast. "Soubi... isn't this place where you went to school?" He peered up at me over his shoulder.

"Yes, it is a school for fighters. We come here to be prepared for our Sacrifice." I stood, withdrawing my hands from his hips. "Where we all dream about meeting that one person out all these people..."

Ai snuck up beside me, grabbing my hand tightly. "Sooo...You come this way!" She giggled, yanking hard.

Midori flashed her a grin and started to guide Ritsuka by his elbow. "Ritsuka, you come with me. It's all right."

I glanced over my shoulder, stating in a tone less offensive than a shout, but not quite an even tone, "Please, try not to be overly friendly with him."

"Don't say it like that! You're more friendly with him than any of us could be!" Midori squeaked. I heard him grumble, "What's with that guy..." as they walked in the opposite direction.

Ai led me down familiar, yet strange hallways. I stopped dead in my tracks as I realized who was standing only 15 or so feet from me.

Ritsu was leaning against a doorway, cigarette hanging off his lips. "You're dismissed, Ai."

I felt frozen. This was not happening.

I knew I couldn't avoid seeing him here. I should have expected something like this. Especially from him.

"Soubi? No greeting after all this time?"

He wasn't speaking in a condescending way.

In fact, he sounded lonely.

I averted my gaze, staring at the tiled floor. "I wouldn't know what to say even if I were ecstatic to see you."

Ritsu was silent while he finished his cigarette. He dropped it onto the floor, using the toe of his shoe to snuff it out. "I suppose I don't really know what to say to you, either."

I felt stubborn all of the sudden. I wanted to say everything, yet nothing at the same time.

A few minutes passed in silence before Ritsu came towards me, leaving his spot by the doorway vacant. I watched him warily. Half of me expected him to strike me. The last few years with Seimei had made me quite the obedient little dog. I knew when I was doing something wrong, and I expected punishment for it.

Instead of hitting me, Ritsu's raised hand ran along my jawline as his eyes searched mine. We were eye to eye now. I hadn't realized how much time had truly passed.

As his fingers traveled down my neck, he smiled slightly. "You let your hair grow?"

I remained silent, chewing on my tongue and my cheek. I wanted to do and say many things to this man. The man who let me go, who abandoned my wants and needs for those of the house of Aoyagi.

"Are you finished?" I snapped at him as he ran his hand up the back of my neck, grabbing a fistful of hair.

Ritsu suddenly had that devilish look and brought me forward.

His lips were cold, but just as soft as they were almost 4 years ago. I stood awkwardly without reciprocating. It didn't seem to faze the man, my former teacher.

My former lover.

My gut wretched at that last thought. I felt my arm raise against my will and wrap around his waist, pulling us closer yet. Even after all this time, his scent was still the same. I felt something inside of me fracture.

Ritsu pushed me against the wall roughly, biting and kissing where he could. I felt helpless again. I knew if I had given in that this would happen.

Part of me wondered why I hadn't been strong enough to just walk away.

The other part knew perfectly well why I allowed this.

Finally, Ritsu took a slight step back. Both of us were panting slightly, and I knew I was staring at him with something other than curiosity behind my eyes.

"I've missed you," Ritsu admitted softly. "I never thought I'd see you again. Those few phone calls these last few years... God, Soubi, if I'd ever had the slightest inclination of what Seimei had be-"

"Shut up." I interrupted. "You will not talk about him that way. It's disrespectful." I tried my best to sound as unbiased about it as possible, but fact of the matter was I didn't let Kio speak that way, I'd be damned if I'd let Ritsu.

"I should have known. I should have had the courage to make you mine." He finished slowly.

"There's no point in living in the past. You know that."

"Love does not adhere to our belief of past, present, or future. It is not transient," Ritsu sighed.

Love. Was Minami Ritsu really capable of that?

"Is there some reason I was led here by that pipsqueak or what?" I interrupted, changing the subject abruptly.

Ritsu smirked, "I had her bring you here. The moment I knew of you two arriving, I wasn't going to let the opportunity slip by..."

"Of course you wouldn't. Any particular reason you're harassing me, then?"

Ritsu let out a noise and smiled sadly at the floor.

I was confused again. The Ritsu I remembered never once let me see his true emotions like this. Not unless he was pushing me face first into a desk or mattress.

We stood in more silence before he motioned for me to follow him.

His office must have been moved to a different part of the school after all those years. He motioned for me to sit as he pulled out a bottle of what looked suspiciously like whiskey and poured a glass for himself and one for me.

I let it sit, not willing to stomach warm alcohol.

He leaned against his desk in front of me, legs crossed at the ankle. I felt a blush rise as I realized I was looking a little too intently at him. Not a lot had changed. Same hair, same glasses and same sense of fashion. Even the same brand of cigarettes.

Cigarettes...

Suddenly the urge to have one gripped me. I fidgeted as he watched, apparently amused. "Everything okay, Soubi?"

Finally, my nerves settled for a brief moment. Ritsu walked over casually and held out his pack of cigarettes. I stared at him defiantly again, taking one out of the pack without breaking eye contact. He lit it for me and stepped back, discarding the half open pack on the desk behind him.

"Why is it," Ritsu mused out loud, "that whenever I think of that day you showed up, bleeding all over, that I feel as if I should have done more for you?"

I took a slow drag off my cigarette and exhaled upwards. "Does it really matter anymore?"

Ritsu laughed, but it was a hollow and mirthless tone. "You never once looked at me in pain like that when you were with me. Even when I was rough during training or when we were completely alone in the bedroom. Never once did I hurt you just for the purpose of causing pain."

"Seimei did as he saw fit with me, it is his decision to punish me as he deems appropriate."

"Hmmm, interesting that you still refer to him in present tense." Ritsu cocked his head to the side, a very dangerous look on his face. "When was the last time you had any kind of intimate contact?"

My breath caught in my lungs as my eyes narrowed, lips pursed tightly.

Ritsu smiled devilishly, continuing without hesitation. "Ritsuka is a child, he can't possibly grasp the concept of what it means to own someone. He's very perceptive, Soubi, but in all honesty, you know that he has a fighter of his own and at some point you will have to step aside. I'm sure you've considered this. Or have you not?"

The question hung in the air and I felt the color drain from my face.

How could I be so stupid? I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that Ritsuka would have his own, true mate. Part of me wondered briefly when that would happen. How much time did I have left to love him?

"Soubi," Ritsu leaned over me, cupping my cheek. "Don't look so distressed. You're still useful even without a Sacrifice."

He pressed his mouth to mine roughly. He grabbed the cigarette out of my hand and took a long drag off it when he pulled away. The look in his eyes... I hadn't seen that look in years. Hungry, tempting, and full of desire.

**~-~-~-~  
><strong>**SO SORRY FOR THE LATENESS OF THIS. Have any of you ever had to pack up a house and try to sell it? Holy crap. I don't think I've stopped moving for the last 3 weeks o.o and shame on my father for having all his guns and equipment involved with making his own bullets in the basement. Seriously. Tiny little metal cases that weighed 50lbs, and there were SO MANY OF THEM! GAH. I swear. Never EVER AGAIN.**

Anywho. Next chapter will hopefully be longer. I seriously wish I could have had a chance to get this up so much sooner. Please, don't be shy! Review! Or pm me XD it's all good! I'll love you all no matter what. Thank you all for reading!


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